Welcome, my dears
I am a small black and white cat called Fatwans. I am prettier, cleverer, and nearer in line to the throne than you, but don’t be depressed about that: just accept it.
This is my web site.
This year's competition is now closed. Solutions and winners will be announced soon.
You can still see the winners of my 2016 challenges here.
Curiosity killed the cat, but sadly not the two nincompoops I'm forced to live with. So why not quench that curiosity and find out more about me.
Gorge yourself on the fishy chunks of facts about my past and present, my rise to fame on social media, and my future plans for world domination.
If you have a problem, and nobody else can help, you should bear in mind that the A-Team is fictional. I, however, am not.
My life as a cat, mother, hunter, food critic, supermodel, girlfriend, and global icon have provided me with a wealth of experiences.
On my Dear Fatwans page I shall endeavour to share the benefit of this trove of life-knowledge with you all. Expect to be inspired, amused, touched, and amazed. It’ll save you a fortune on those 'Just Seventeen' subscriptions too, dears. If you’d like advice on any problems that you’re having, do get in touch via my Contact page.
While social media has enabled me to reach a global audience, my ascent to world domination requires a helping paw or two in the real world. These colleagues of mine, the Ninja Kittehs, provide essential assistance. Some of them are profiled here. Bear in mind that details may have been changed or obscured to help maintain their anonymity. They wouldn’t be very good ninjas otherwise, would they?
If you’d like your cat to join the ranks of the Ninja Kittehs (and who wouldn’t?), you can apply by emailing me using this link. Attach a couple of photos and details about their skills so that I can determine that they are 'up to scratch' as it were.
The poet William Blake wrote about a “countenance divine”. It’s hard to see how he could have been talking about me, since he died in 1827. Perhaps his reputation as a prophet and visionary was justified.
Feast your eyes dears, for I am beautiful. In every single way.
Due to my strict diet and vigorous health regime, there's not enough of me to go around. Luckily for you lot I've remedied this with my special download page, so that you too can have a piece of the goddess that is Fatwans.
Brighten up your laptop, Mac or PC, or smartphone with one of these beautiful pictures, dears. Other multimedia treats may appear here from time to time.
Use this link, dears, to send me applications for Ninja Kitteh membership. Be sure to attach a picture or two, and let me know your cat’s name, sex, and any special skills, real or imagined, that they may possess.
By sending me anything via email or these forms, dears, I’m assuming that I have your permission to publish it on my web site, either partially or in its entirety. What’s yours is mine, after all.