Fatwans' Ninja Kittehs

Pyewacket the Perpetrator

Spirit of steel along, razor sharp claws.


: Pyewacket the perpetrator

Sex: Female

Special Skills: Stealth ankle biting, canine domination, deception of humans, camouflage, and Mata Hari tendencies

Bio: Adopted by a lawyer, I have legal protection for my misdemeanours. Mata Hari tendencies, I look all cute and innocent and everyone falls in love with me but underneath lies a spirit of steel along with razor sharp claws.

Constantly thwarted by: Squirrels.


Pixel Ermintrude Aitken

Hate gulls, loves tuna.


Name: Pixel Ermintrude Aitken (a.k.a Smallston, Smallston P, The P, Animal, Shitbag, Oi, Don't You Dare and Get Down.)

Sex: Femme

Special Skills: CLASSIFIED

Bio: Goes by many names. Hates gulls, loves tuna. Stealth chomps longpig hands that have the audacity to hang off the bed. Appreciates the rolling qualities of snails.

Constantly thwarted by: Double glazing, duvet covers, the longpigs @rowenaaitken and @andrewrknox.


Lionel the Lethal Claw Grand Larcenist

Grand larceny before your very eyes!


Lionel (a.k.a Lethal Claw)

Sex: Male

Special Skills: One of my core skills is being incredibly aggressive, which can involve Feedme getting so cross he locks me outside.

Bio: Apparently I am a misogynist but feedme's with beards had also better look out. My favourite activity is making Feedme throw a toy mouse (that he stupidly calls a fish) to wherever I wish to catch it. This can involve jumping upwards of 8ft Fatwans and with my weight that is very impressive. Feedme makes me do this before eating and I amuse him by dutifully playing along. And when people come round he always insists they don't touch me, so I pretend to be charming to make Feedme look like a psychopath. Haha! I am also an expert in larceny which makes everyone hopping mad, especially when I filch it off their plate before they have even started eating.

Constantly thwarted by: Andrew Day a.k.a. Feedme


Cedric the Pancake Magician

Mutationis pancake! *waves wand*


Cedric (AKA Ceddy-Poos the Pancake)

Sex: Male

Special Skills: Sleeping for incredibly long times and ability to replicate the floppiness of a pancake by simply going from standing to lying without any intermediate leaning or crouching - definitely not Crouching Kitteh Hidden Tigger.

Bio: Cedric's ability to 'appear' asleep for long periods of time means he's ready to strike at the very moment his victim lets their guard down, taking them by surprise. Quickly flattening himself out afterwards to seemingly disappear in front of his victims eyes.

Constantly thwarted by: @comberbache & @nbrooks99


Juan the Undercover Agent

A master of disguise and deception, Juan earns his place amongst my Ninja Kittehs.



Sex: Male

Special Skills: Playing fetch with rubber bands, yowling at walls and charging around like the bulls in Pamplona, stealing bread straight out of the toaster. He eschews seafood and instead prefers to steal whatever the humans are eating. Especially baked goods.

Bio: A devoted follower of Fatwans, Juan helps to effect her global domination from the other side of the Atlantic.

Juan uses his extensive wardrobe full of disguises to blend in with the humans. He has a range of waistcoats and vests to help him pass undetected whilst on deep cover missions. These also help him look FABULOUS, just like his idol Fatwans.

Constantly thwarted by: @newspapernerd


Wasabi the Warrior

A seasoned ninja warrior and master thief, Wasabi joins the ranks of my Ninja Kittehs.



Sex: Female

Special Skills: My skills include catching flying insects with a single clap of my paws; giving myself a facial in front of an open fire (sweat it out girls) and limited comprehension of the English language.

Bio: I am a 2 year old tabby shorthair, female and full of attitude.

As you can see my pilfering skills are second to none. No mug of tea is safe.

Constantly thwarted by: James Daykin


Maigor Maggot

Infiltrating the homes of our great kitteh nation, Maigor uses advanced technology such as his satellite dish collar to receive incoming missions and intel.



Sex: Male

Special Skills: Producing curiously echoing coffee percolator sounding projectile vomit. Various intensities of hair distribution and performing the amazing ballet legs of grace dance.

Bio: Residing in a cat hotel until the right type of gullible human came along. Along with his sister, Maigor has since taken over the rule of the house.

Uncounted mice and rat kills. One bat and two pigeons. One headless, I kid you not...

Constantly thwarted by: His sister Missy and @BronHale


Cornelius the Conqueror

Proving that with age comes deadly experience and box camouflage skills, please make your acquaintance with my latest recruit.


Cornelius Hale III

Sex: Male

Special Skills: Sleeping upside down, ability to imitate dogs, my dry heave can mobilise even the most sluggish of humans, LASER EYES OF DEATH!

Bio: I am 11 and experienced in the ways of controlling humans, I have my current minions wrapped around my claws. I know how the cat door works but unlike the previous Cornelius Hales I have worked out how to get the staff to open them for me so I don't ruffle my fur.

Kills 0 (2 if you include the red devil I am sure I have caught many times, and the socks I spent all day yesterday stalking)

Constantly thwarted by: @Pixel_uk and @haledrbeefy


Millie…. the Merciless

I knew cats would be falling all over themselves to join my ranks, but remember Fatwans’ Ninja Kittehs only take the best. I have standards my dears and expect the same from my death dealing agents. May I introduce you to Millie, my latest recruit. I particularly admire how she’s made it look as though she is innocently sniffing those flowers, when in fact she is planting angry wasps in them. Top marks Millie.



Sex: Female

Special Skills: Tripping up humans. Fearlessly chewing the dog's tennis ball. Bopping the dog's head three times in less than a second (world record holder).

Bio: Always the first awake in the morning and shouting about breakfast, Millie has no reason to venture outside as she has the power to rule from the confines of her box by the fridge. She is a master at deception, a skill that allows her to have two lunches most days, one from each human.

Constantly thwarted by: Dan, Charlotte & Chip (the dog)


My first new recruit.


Name: Loe

Sex: Female

Special Skills: Sleek and slender. I can go undetected for hours, following humans around the house.

Bio: I only speak to throw insults. Touch me and I'll unleash rabbit punches and bites.

Only ever touch me if I ask. If you don't you better sleep with one eye open.

Constantly thwarted by: @debutcreate


I'm slowly collecting all your data from right under your nose!