Dear Fatwans

Winter sport with Fatwans


As the evenings start to draw in and winter approaches, dears, I notice the weather getting steadily cooler. I have already begun the process of growing my thick luxuriant winter coat, which of course involves shedding my summer one. Let the cat hair fly free! Let no surface be uncovered by it! Let the white hairs stick to your black clothes, and the black hairs stick to your light clothes! Cough and choke, as you inhale the fine hairs that hang permanently in the air, unaffected by gravity!

I digress, dears.

The other things the cooler climate reminds me of are my triumphs last February at the Winter Olympics in Sochi. How the crowds loved me! I truly was the sweetheart of the snow, sleds, and slippery surfaces. Let me tell you about some of my successes.



Sweeping the ice like mad with funny little brushes

The sport of cat-curling is very simple. Just sit completely still on the ice with your legs tucked in, and stare your most piercing stare. Let yourself be propelled effortlessly from one end of the rink to the other, while two attendants smooth your path by means of frenzied mopping with the techno-brooms. This is all, of course, utterly pointless, dears.



One’s tail is essential for holding on

Hop on to some hapless helmeted halfwit, and let gravity do the rest, dears. As you can see from my position, controlling one’s human-on-a-tea-tray is simplicity itself – just extend a paw forward and sink a claw into that tender spot between the legs. You will find your steed becomes exquisitely attentive to your steering signals.



Such good fun, dears

Just marvel once again at the ease with which I get my human teammate to do all the work while I essentially just sit there. The front of a hurtling bobsled is an ideal place from which to aim the swipe of a paw at any spectators leaning too far over the barriers. I love to glance over my shoulder and see the hurt looks on their bleeding faces.



Slightly different funny little brushes

The Japanese team asked to borrow me, and who was I to refuse, especially as they sweetened the deal with the promise of all the sashimi I could eat. Look at the almost identical stares from both my cat-curler and me. Quite the team, I’m sure you’ll agree.



Gnarly etc.

Here you can see me performing my trademark freeriding slopestyle powerderspin Ollie. I totally didn’t just lift these snowboarding terms from a website, dears; I mean dudes.



I recently visited to 2017 Olympic Games in Rio too dears.


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