Dear Fatwans

Duties of Motherhood


Dear Fatwans, I’ve married into a very famous and regal family, and have recently had my first baby: a son. Having had kittens, and of course being a global icon yourself, how did you balance your international fame with the duties of motherhood? Sincerely yours, K.

Dear K.,

I hope calling me a “global icon” was not a suggestion that I’m overweight. I’ll let it pass, dear.

Your duties to your child come first. Don’t let any media pressure prevent you from picking your son (let’s pick a letter at random, and call him G.) up by the scruff of the neck, or licking his bits clean in public. Discipline is important, too. A short sharp bite is usually enough to nip any nascent misbehaviour in the bud.

Three words on breast-feeding: do it, dear. While you may not be blessed with the eight nipples that I have, this should make keeping track of which teat you suckled G. from last a relatively simple task.

Media pressure is only pressure if you let it get to you, dear. Keep in mind that your position in society gives you a firm claim that you’re better than most people.

Just not better than me, dear.

Wishing you well,

I'm slowly collecting all your data from right under your nose!